For many reasons, I’ve postponed finishing this. One reason being that I am taking Jackie’s advice and living life to the fullest. I’ve been doing things I enjoy and that rejuvenate my soul. * I got the text at 2 am but I didn’t read it until 6:30 am. My mind pushed it away immediately: It’s Monday. I’ve got to go to work. I promised a friend I’d help them move a bed. I didn’t have time to grieve. I told myself I’d have time later. But my grief doesn’t like being told what to do. I’ve learned that the hard way - more than once. I cannot postpone grief without making it worse. When I push it down, I become an emotional pressure cooker. |
I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to focus at work so I took a personal day. I dug up old letters and photos and took my time with my emotions. I was glad she wasn’t in pain or struggling any longer and I am happy she’s reunited with the fur babies who had passed before her. But I am so sad that I won’t receive another letter from her or hear the way she’d say my name so excited when I called her. I’m sad the world has one less pure soul in it. I’m sad no one else will ever get to meet her.
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Starting my final week at work has finally brought my reality home. Only 7 days until I leave the Southeast for the Northwest, Alabama for Oregon.
As September 1 approaches, this goodbye seems more and more impossible. I can sense myself pulling away from people, trying to lessen the blow my absence may have. Yet, I’m torn because I know I should be spending more time with those I love. Especially since I don’t know when I’ll see them again. I act tough and, at times, probably seem cold-hearted. I brush everything off like it doesn’t affect me. Except it does. My brain reminds me all the time of what and who I am leaving. But I can’t let myself think about it because I’ll break down. I’ll get emotional, which is something I refuse to do when I can help it. If I think about how many people I’m leaving, people who love me and want me around, I don’t want to leave. It feels like I have been saying goodbye forever! An unfortunate part of choosing to leave in early July is that a lot of people are on vacation. Due to that among other conflicts, my goodbyes have been sporadic and it isn’t clicking quite yet what is going to happen in four days.
In the past few weeks, I have been shown how truly blessed I am to have such an amazing group of friends and family. It is true that friends are the family you get to choose. All I have to say is that I have made excellent choices. . My co-workers are so amazing and we’ve become such a family. As dysfunctional as the next, but a family! . My ‘adoptive’ aunts are the greatest and I’ve learned so much from both of them! My best friends from high school that are still my best friends today, you guys have put up with me for the longest with no obligation to do so. All these people mean so much to me and they have all gone out of their way to show me how much I mean to them. For every person who has said how much they are going to miss me, look on the bright side: I’m the only person you have to say goodbye to. On the other hand, I have to miss everyone! Don’t misunderstand. I am more than excited for this opportunity. But I know that relationships in life are important and true friends are hard to find. To all of you, thank you for the impressions you have made on my life. I love you! A Varner |
AuthorAshton Varner: Class Clown. Lover of Food. Adventurer. Archives
May 2024
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