When I pulled up, they were near our mailboxes and our mail carrier was working through the mail. I jokingly asked, “Are these your goats?”
That day, I was working remotely but I did go into the office for a meeting and to drop off some things in my new office. After a lunchtime errand, I returned to the house, ready to eat lunch and get back to work. But when I pulled up, there were three goats on the sidewalk. I live in the middle of town. Seeing deer is more common than seeing goats.
When I pulled up, they were near our mailboxes and our mail carrier was working through the mail. I jokingly asked, “Are these your goats?”
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JANUARYThe year started off with tie dye, visit from friends, seashells and continuing Leadership Kaua’i. I was so proud to see my classmate’s presentation on Missing & Murdered Indigenous Women, Girls & Two-Spirit Movement. FEBRUARYNext up, tours of our housing project to propose building more in other spots on the island, pulling weeds in a taro patch, my first quilt selling first at the quilt show and whale watching. MARCHMarch saw a project come to life! The Kaua’i Landlord Summit 2023, connecting landlords with resources to improve housing access.
JANUARY2022 started off with a Laser. I say I had LASIK because it’s faster and more recognizable – but actually PRK (photorefractive keratectomy) surgery was a better fit for my needs. I had to travel over to Oahu for the surgery and had a great pre-op day visiting Waikiki Aquarium and trying vegan sushi, which was actually amazingly good. January was also a big month at work as homeless providers were able to conduct the Point-In-Time (PIT) Count again since COVID. This count is mandated through HUD and gives us a snapshot of the number of homeless on our island on a specific date. It is serious work, of course, but we always make sure to have fun during outreach efforts. This year, I snapped the shot below and thought it looked so good that it needed to be an album cover. FEBRUARYMy 1st Valentine’s Day with Betsey took us to a restaurant on the south side that she had been longing to visit but hadn’t made it to yet. Fun fact: Many of our friends have connections to La Spezia. It is owned by her friend’s mom and several of our friends wait or bartend there. MARCHMy first island hop just for fun! Fairbanks friends Melissa & Autumn Prince met me on Hawaii Island for several days of fun before coming back to Kauai with me for a few more days. I swam with manta rays at night. I was freezing in the water – literally, my insides were shaking – until the rays showed up. With my entire attention on them, my shivers stalled. The rays are like strippers: You are not allowed to touch them, of course, but they might touch you. The light that we held onto attracts the food that the rays eat. The rays come right up, taking big mouthfuls of their prey and putting on an underwater acrobatic show. Remember: these guys are massive. They can be up to 3000 pounds with a 20-foot wingspan. All three of us swam at a black sand beach and visited the southernmost tip of the United States – which means a lot to those who have lived in Fairbanks which gets northernmost bragging rights often. (Northernmost Girl Scouts, for instance.) COVID rules were still in effect for Hawaii Volcanoes National Park so I did not get to visit the Visitor’s Center, attend a Ranger Talk, watch an informational video, shop for stickers or receive a passport stamp. Additionally, our agenda made a nighttime visit the best choice for us. In the end, what we did get to do was better than anything the Visitor’s Center would have offered.
We hoped for lava – but as we are aware of with the Aurora, you’ve got to be at the right place at the right time. As we drove closer, the sky began to turn red…. We were far, far from the any place that would provide light pollution that we’d be able to see on the horizon. Plus, red light pollution? My guess: the lava was flowing. We were the only ones on the trail and finally, in a break in the trees, we could see. Though none of us had seen lava before, the glow was unmistakable. After that trail, we drove to another vantage point and were further impressed. This spot was much more occupied but when there were moments of silence, no one speaking, no rocks moving under our feet, I could hear the lava popping below. Back on Kaua’i, on their last day, I attended my first luau with Melissa, Autumn, Betsey and Noah. Find friends who will tailgate with you at an Urgent Care.
*** Less than a week ago, I was visiting Alabama and my grandmother said, “I see your Instagram. You are always getting into something.” Well, my Sunday definitely met that energy.
I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to focus at work so I took a personal day. I dug up old letters and photos and took my time with my emotions. I was glad she wasn’t in pain or struggling any longer and I am happy she’s reunited with the fur babies who had passed before her. But I am so sad that I won’t receive another letter from her or hear the way she’d say my name so excited when I called her. I’m sad the world has one less pure soul in it. I’m sad no one else will ever get to meet her.
The aesthetic is all Amanda - I always admired her tattoo of Max from “Where the Wild Things Are”. After she died, I rode my bike to a bookshop after work one afternoon. They had a copy but not hardback. I needed a sturdy copy. I knew this was going to be a new prized material possession that needed to last. They called a separate children’s bookstore to find it and had them hold it for me. Maybe they give that level of care to every customer – I sure needed it that day. On the day of her funeral, I went on a solo hike. In the cliffs, I saw the silhouette of one of the Beasts.
Recently, I’ve been looking inside, thinking about my past – the good, the bad and how it all connects, how it shapes who I am, where I’m going. At its core, this crown is a symbol of friendship, started by the childhood friendships that I still have and continued by the long lasting, state-line crossing friendships I’ve continued to make everywhere I go. They are tried. They’ve helped me through depression, emotional abuse, anxiety, suicide ideations, travel, isolation, starting over. They are true. They are honest conversations, sincere questions, keeping in touch through unique methods, calling me out on my shit, kindly listening when I need to be all talk. While I envisioned the placement immediately, the symbolism didn’t occurred to me until later. The crown is behind me – as are my friends. Our memories – our tears, our laughter – create my foundation and safe haven as the harshness of the world tests me. Friendship grounds me. My friends have my back. In relationships, I have my share of self-doubt. Am I a good partner, daughter, employee, steward of the planet? But I do not doubt my capacity for friendship. I am a great friend and I love being a great friend. I love being a personal hype man, a shoulder to cry on, going on adventures, staying in, talking about everything, laughing at nothing. It is one of the best aspects of who I am. Friends, you inspire me. I’ve got your back like you’ve got mine. Let the wild rumpus start! Well, I made it to Hawai’i – under circumstances that are at once perfect and entirely unexpected.
First, I thought AmeriCorps VISTA might be my ticket to the islands. But it ended up being a fully-benefited position with the county! Second, I did not move here from the place I thought I would: Portland, Oregon. In April, the world at large as well as personally was up in the air. I felt wholly ungrounded, which has happened in the past. But this time, I knew my resources well and I called them in. I stayed vigilant about my medication, started a new hobby (cross-stitching), did (a little) online shopping, and reached out to family and friends for help. However, my anxiety continued to grow until I asked myself: Why continue to struggle in Fairbanks when I could go home, see my parents and brother, live in a stable place and spend time with Otzi and the other fur babies? I made the decision to go home and recharge. I am so happy I did. It’s a big deal for me to want to go home. I can’t remember ever wanting to go home that badly. It absolutely was the recharge I needed. Yet another life update:
I have extended my VISTA service through October. I was given the choice of dates anywhere between two weeks and six months. I do not know how long the pandemic will last but for so many reasons, I hope it’s less than six months. However, I feel settled knowing where my paycheck and health insurance will come from until then. If I decide to resign for any reason before the time is up, I will not be penalized. For instance, if the pandemic ends and I am offered a great opportunity in Hawaii, I am not beholden to stay with VISTA through October. One decision down, I still had a lot to consider and figure out. This is a post of gratitude to those who made changing huge plans as smooth as it could be. To my landlords for understanding that no Rug Doctors were available because of COVID-19. To my friend Julie for constantly lending her vehicles to me. Multiple trips to the transfer site and moving this weekend would have been nearly impossible without her. To Shoshana for offering her mother's house to me for reduced rent while her mom is away. To other friends who reached out about leads for housing whether it be a dry cabin, subletting or a room in a home. To my dear Purple Rain, Melissa, for helping me pack, clean and move, leading up to and on the weekend of as well as her constant emotional support and unwavering loyalty. To my boss Mike who understands and values work-life balance as well as my mental health. Who encouraged me to flex time as needed to take care of my move, a part-time job all its own. To Mike, his wife Maryann and their amazing son Jake for shoveling the driveway at the new spot so the borrowed truck will not only fit but the doors will open! To Mom and Dad for sending me a Verizon hotspot so I can have home internet and work from home less stressed. To Ellen, for literally everything. I would have quit several times over without her help and encouragement. It takes a village and I'm beyond lucky to have such a good one. Thank you all - I love you. I hope this post finds you well. Given my adventurous spirit, I should be used to people asking me “What’s next?!” But recently, that question has induced more panic than excitement. I’ve been stressed into paralysis recently. I had a lot to think about, do and decide. Another 365 days around the sun and I’m reviewing my past year like many humans. A friend shared a post on social media that got my attention. I shared it too.
2016 changed me 2017 broke me 2018 opened my eyes 2019 I’m coming back |
AuthorAshton Varner: Class Clown. Lover of Food. Adventurer. Archives
May 2024
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