For many reasons, I’ve postponed finishing this. One reason being that I am taking Jackie’s advice and living life to the fullest. I’ve been doing things I enjoy and that rejuvenate my soul. * I got the text at 2 am but I didn’t read it until 6:30 am. My mind pushed it away immediately: It’s Monday. I’ve got to go to work. I promised a friend I’d help them move a bed. I didn’t have time to grieve. I told myself I’d have time later. But my grief doesn’t like being told what to do. I’ve learned that the hard way - more than once. I cannot postpone grief without making it worse. When I push it down, I become an emotional pressure cooker. |
We both worked at the University of Alabama Student Health Center when I met Jackie. I had a student job and she was in admin.
After a falling out with my cousins, I moved in with her in March 2013.
When she invited me to live with her, her family was skeptical, mine was too. But Jackie didn’t bat an eye. She lived in a beautiful cabin out in the woods and I occupied the upstairs room. When I asked how much per month, she wouldn’t accept a penny.
*
Sometimes I feel guilty about mourning. As if I’m not allowed to be as sad as I am, as if I need to justify why I feel the way I do.
I did an exercise in 2017. Pick three influential people. Describe them in three qualities. I chose Jackie, my mother and my godmother. For Jackie’s qualities, I chose:
Generosity.
Simplicity.
Innocence.
After her passing, I talked to her partner Nancy who hesitated before saying, “It’s not a bad thing but she was simple. Jackie was simple in that she appreciated the simple things.”
I felt affirmation hearing Nancy use a word for Jackie that I chose years ago. She’s right. Simplicity and innocence are often seen as negatives when practiced by adults. Immature, unintelligent, naïve. But Jackie was none of these. I’m reminded of what Betty White said she kept in mind while playing Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls, “Rose takes every word for its literal meaning. She knows no sarcasm, no nothing. If somebody said Rose could eat a horse, she’d call the SPCA.” Jackie and Rose take things at face value. They are genuine and assume the rest of us are too.
All Jackie needed in the world was what she already had. Her family, her animals, her cabin and a cup of coffee.
I could talk to Jackie about things I couldn’t talk to most people about. Family, religion, my doubts in both. She was such a good listener, even if she was hard of hearing.
It was in our letters that I came out to her. In her responding letter, she didn’t even bat an eye.
Because I’ve kept all of them, I get to hold and revisit her great advice and sweet compliments.
When I was frustrated with the future: “I wish there was a 1-2-3 step path… but there isn’t. We have to enjoy every day and be patient.”
To keep my perspective: “Enjoy Alaska because think of all the people (including me!) that wish they were in your position.”
When I needed to - not only smile - but guffaw: “You should have women falling at your feet to be with you!!! I know you enjoyed that comment.”
To remind me that I always had somebody: “I’m so sorry that your extended family is being ugly but you are right - Kollar could have stayed with me! Y’all are my family.”
Her last letter to me was May 31, 2021.
“You are the nicest, sweetest and most caring person I know or have ever known! Don’t think otherwise.”
“I know you feel hurt and betrayed but you have to put that behind you.”
“You can’t let one person bring you down. You have so much going for you!”
I am at once calmed that I get to keep her voice with me and devastated that I will never read new words from her.
*
On my personal day, I decided my soul needed more coffee and a hike. At the shopping center where I was grabbing coffee, what song should play on the speakers but “Thank You for Being a Friend”.
I headed to the southside to hike in one of my favorite places. The trail is a total “Choose Your Own Adventure” situation. Great views start early and distance is totally adjustable. I would take it slow, appreciate every part I could and take time to listen to the waves.
At the start, I grabbed two tiny flowers that had already fallen off of their plant. I hoped they’d keep their shape in the side pouch of my backpack. Past the cliff views, I arrived at my favorite spot where the trail descends to the water. I sat and thought about Jackie as I carved on driftwood. Once I etched her nickname into it, I set about looking for rocks to serve as vases.
Initially, I intended to send the driftwood and flowers out to sea. But the waves were too choppy against that part of the shore. If I wanted to send it out to sea, I’d have to throw it. With driftwood being so light, I would be asking for a comedy of errors. Besides, once I’d set it up with the rock vases, it looked so lovely I wanted to leave it there. But as I tried to leave, I couldn’t make myself get up. It felt like I was leaving Jackie behind. Then I remembered the cliffs. I could drop the driftwood, giving it and her back to nature.
As I left my spot, it occurred to me that while it wasn’t trash, it was a trace. It would take away some of the wildness of that beach if I left my handwriting there.
I continued to pick up trash on the way out before stopping near the end to write in my journal while the sun set.
Her Maltese, Mason, was a pain in the ass, barked every. single. time. I came home at night. Later, Nancy explained to me that the dog she herself had nicknamed “Stinky” never left Jackie’s side during her previous fight with cancer. That little pup stayed next to her through sickness and health.
In the years since I’d moved out, all but one of her pets that I shared a home with has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I think of her crossing it herself and being reunited with her countless fur babies. The excitement of seeing them must have had her voice so high only the doggos could hear it.
Her sister Janice told me, “Her pets were with her until the end.” They were up on the bed with her as she passed, just as it should be.
In memory of Jackie, I am donating to the Tuscaloosa Metro Animal Shelter as well as to my local shelter, Kauai Humane Society. Even if Jackie didn’t get to visit me here in the flesh, her heart and spirit will.
- av
NOVEMBER 2, 1948 - JULY 26, 2021